Saturday, December 25, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Regarding your letter of the 3rd, 4th, 8th and 14th:
The Pincushion twins are investing heavily in the publicly held Greasy Little People, Inc. As your financial advisor, I think I should inform you that I don't give a diddly about stocks and stuff, and I'm not really up to snuff on, like, money and what to do with it. For example, I've received from you, bi-weekly, little slips of paper that have digits and writing and your name on it and my name on it (on a line entitled "Pay To the Order Of")... and I've just been keeping them in a paper sack. I'm not real comfortable with numbers and the like. Also, I haven't been paid in 3 years. So I am putting you on notice. Oh, and you've been getting these letter-thingies from the bank. And the SBA. And the government. I haven't opened them, but the letters keep getting redder and redder. And they keep calling. So I disconnected your phone. And mine. Pretty good, huh? So... what's up? How's tricks? Oh, the men in the suits have come back so let me say "ta-ta" before they slap on those cuffs. I sent you a basket of fruit. Goodbye.
Look over there!
Wendell Calligraphy Toasteroven, GED
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Rubber Bomb OTB and Gardens is a place of beauty, time, and desparate trifectas—features which make it stand out from other gardeny type places in the area. (Plus, we're now peacock poop free!) Our grounds feature an iconic doublewide mansion, filled with countless bottle caps & matchbook covers, and most famously—sixty sloping feet of lavish gardens that will envelop you with their beauty (NOTE: Not a guarantee or a warranty). Built in 1911, and then again in 1927, 1944 and 1967, the RubberBomb manor was one of the first homes to use coffee grounds for decoration. Known for hosting the areas most legendary parties—it was not uncommon to catch Topo Gigio trying to bum smokes off of Ed Sullivan's bookie. Today, the RubberBomb OTB and Gardens is recognized as being not only a historical eyesore, but also a possible site for a future dogtrack or NFL team. We invite you to make a reservation (fax only, please) while the gettin' is good.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Oh, and then a massive meteor slammed into Earth smashing it into dust.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
No. Listen, I ordered the mighty gazelle.
Yes, I'm sure.
I'm telling you, this is an ibex and it's stinking up my office.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Well, no, no I've GOT an ibex.
The problem? The problem is I didn't order an ibex! Nor a gnu, antelope or wily mountain billy goat (out of my price range).
So... ASK your supervisor, just get it out of here.
I don't care that it's named Hershel, I don't want it!
Fine, I don't want "Hershel!"
No, that doesn't make me rethink it.
Look, fax me a llama and we'll call it even.
Join us next week when the National Delicious Griddled Treat Machines Corp. telexes a quesadilla maker to a woman who mistakenly received an anchovy press!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Donna Karan 1, A dozen rabid bats 4;
Jim Crow Law 3, Jim Croce 2;
Ladies Home Journal 1, Louis Pasteur 1;
Oragami swans 5, 'Cutthroat Island' marketing campaign 2;
Avalanche of glue 4, Jim Croce 1;
Motor Voter Bill 6, Salma Hayek couldn't find her blouse 7;
Chili Colorado 3, Jim Croce couldn't find Salma Hayek's blouse 5;
Can of paint 2, Slightly larger can of paint 2 [RAIN DELAY];
Heavenly flan 1, Quality drapes at affordable prices 3;
For up to the minute European Football scores, stick your head in the toilet and whistle.