Friday, September 09, 2005

The Mark, The Faker, The Shifty Bookmaker

Here's what the "critics" are saying about the
Rubber Bomb Guide to Investment y Personal Wealth:

The insider's guide to all the tricks of the trade. A must have for all investment opportunists.
--Shelly Longgrass, Stakes/McGuff Int.

Finally, a book written by grifters for grifters. Clear explanations of the simplest procedures and the most complex stings. A real life-savings taker.
--Guy Mondrian, CEO, Save The Smithsonian From Zombies Fund

I've served time in a lot of state and federal houses and the information in this guide is by far the most lucrative I've ever traded a carton of smokes for.
--Howard "Cookbook" Larue, #96138, Editor, Avenal Chronicle

At last--common sense for chiselers! This is the first book that really targets the needs of the low overhead operator. Enclose $10 (cash only) and a self-addressed stamped envelope for more information.
--Joe Smith, Three-card monte dealer, Jean, NV

Thanks a million! Now anyone can pull a quick and quiet short con. This was all I had. I'm ruined.
--Theo Dokes, Former swindler, Current whereabouts unknown

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Term Life for Male Smokers

So I haven't been out of my apartment in a long, long time. Quite awhile, actually. A serious stretch, to be sure. Mostly because I'm tired a lot. Which is mostly because I drink a lot. Which is mostly because I'm tired a lot. Circular arguments aside [not to worry, we'll invite them back presently--along with a few false analogies, a couple o' straw arguments, an "either-or" assumption or two, some unjustified conclusions, and (of course) some serious misuse of statistics], I just haven't ventured out in a lengthy spell--and therefore I could be misinformed about recent events, I'm just not certain. Quick question: Did the Sands casino really close? Really? Wow. A shame. That's all I can say, a shame (twice). It had good scotch and a nice putting green. Tough combo to find these days. I can recall the marquee like it was yesterday: Elayne Boosler. Goodbye Norma Jean, indeed. Still, I'll always have my memories of the Copa Room (was that one "p" or two?) and the Wayne Newton pickle sandwich (was that one "pickle" or two?). Anyway, let me know if need some old matchbooks (yes, with the penguins on the inside flap) or laminated casino guest cards. I got plenty.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Pere auf Noids

For the love of grizzled chili cooks, let me get to it: They are watching me. Oh yes, I know: Grease 'em and say you're parked on the city coucilman's front lawn. They usually look the other way, discussing various talcs and facial toners. Not tonight, caballero. They're here until you empty the mongrammed tea cozy and, for the love of migrant squirrel rustlers, it better be warming the Vic Damone... signed! Well, my Damone is a forgery and they ain't buying the Humperdinck. (Yeah, I cashed a cool sawbuck for dropping his name. I never said I WASN'T on the take.)

So they're watching. And for the love of unrealistic daycare workers, they gush over Judy Davis too much for my taste (look her up on IMDB... I'm terrified, here). So if they find me folded neatly into the depression of '67 Demarque (is that a car? I don't know. I was more of a beanie baby guy, myself), eat the first letter of your last name and mail the stool (in a Tupperware, duh!) to the contestant department of "The Price Is Right" c/o Marvelle Narwahl (it's Frencher than it needs to be). Tell her "Binky sank the molting pin in the corner off the rail." It won't help you recover the melon shavings (WAIT! How tall are you? Under 5', never mind the shavings. Over 8', never mind the melon), but it will make her happy (tax deductable).

My will is tattooed on Debralee Scott's underarm (look her up on IMDB... she was on the show-- OOPS! I said nothing about the game show-- OOPS! It was a serial, NOT the game show. [damn you Gene Rayburn-- OOPS!]) and was filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, anyone on Craig's List looking for a cheap banana hanger? I got one that drinks like a fish and won't quit yammering about it's PBA record 31 straight turkeys. A feat which is currently under review with the union rep.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Second Quarter Results

Rubber Blog Pharmaceuticals and Model Train Figurines [RBPMTF, 100% Blue Agave] today reported financial results for the second quarter of fiscal 2005, ended March 31, 2005. RBPMTF reported a net loss of $15.1 million, or $0.14 per share, compared to $6.9 million, or $0.09 per share, for the same period a year ago. (Friggin' ATM fees.) Contributing to the loss in the second quarter were the Company's expenditures related to ongoing clinical development programs and a $7.2 million charge for all that taffy we bought.

Total operating expenses for the second quarter of fiscal 2005 were $14.8 million, compared to $7.6 million in the same period a year ago. (Look, green fees ain't cheap.) Expenditures on research and development and tanning and cauliflower (R&D & T&C) programs accounted for 77% and 71% of total operating expenses for the quarters ended March 31, 2005 and 2004, respectively. R&D & T&C expenses for the second quarter of fiscal 2005 amounted to $11.4 million, compared to $5.4 million for the same period a year ago. (Perhaps we should switch to broccoli.) This increase in R&D & T&C spending was principally attributable to the $5.6 million charge for the acquisition of additional rights to camp out near that old Drive-In, which was partially offset by lower expenditures as the Company completed its development work for new speakers in the basement (full surround sound capability pending).

Please refer all accounting and railroad crossing questions to the third teller on the left at Hollywood Park.