(Not that I was, but) THINGS YOU'D FIND RUMMAGING THROUGH THE RUBBER BOMB DUMPSTER:
- 5 slightly molding bear claws from that crappy place up the street
- after-market bicycle chain (Schwinn)
- 9 remote controllers all marked "Downstairs Bathroom"
- a photo of Fergie Jenkins signed by Dikembe Motumbo
- copy of Cat Fancy dated March 1993 (selected personal ads carefully clipped out)
- empty jar of Goober Grape with air holes punched in the lid
- sealed jar of gefilte fish
- 14 unused passes to "Nutty Dames Exotic Cabaret and Coin Laundry"
- 5 sticks of "I Can't Believe It's Not Gum"
- 1 gentleman's hairpiece from the "Charlie Rose" celebrity collection
- paperback copy of "Raising Muskrats For Profit (Believe, There's Nothing Fun About It)
- same publication written in Gummy Bears melted to the quarter panel of an '84 Buick Skylark
- lithograph of a bumblebee throwing a javelin
- Prestone antifreeze bottle stuffed with Brazilian coins
- promotional Barbara Boxer "Got Boxer?" boxer shorts circa 1998
- last will and testament of-- That's it! I'm outta here...