Tuesday, June 01, 2004
The Elegant Waist of Thyme
Kind and gentle readers... piss off, no one's talking to you!
Nasty and abrasive readers,
Firstly, our field trip to Pimlico is this weekend and I need your forged trip slips and completed Daily Racing Forms (remember to show your work) by Thursday.
Secondly, how are you homeboys (and young ladies) hanging?
**Please note: we at The Rubber Bomb consider it immensely important to reach out and bond with today's disenfranchised youngsters and apathetic pre-teen population. (After that, eh, who cares anymore? Hit the bricks, fend for yourself, stop yer grousing.) We feel that it's critical to make a positive connection with these street-savvy hoodlums --forgive me, that was insensitive-- street-savvy "wastrels" BEFORE they turn to a life of violence and crime and subsequently beat and/or rob US. It is in this manner, that we are able to employ these lovable and developmentally damaged ragamuffins to strongarm the weak (not us, the OTHER, less foresighted weak) on our behalf and at our behest for pennies on the dollar. In so doing, we are teaching these losers --ooh, scratch that-- "non-entities" a valuable lesson in cultivating and capitalizing on cheap labor. Further, by serving our precious li'l pawns a balanced diet of demoralization and appreciation, we are able to hold in check their natural emotional evolution, thus maximizing our investment, by extending the window of juvenility and recklessness. Their innocent sense of invincibility and inability to identify potential danger are unique qualities that we find invigorating, exhilarating and exploitable. The Rubber Bomb is a leader in youth services, services that include (but are in NO WAY limited to) extortion, larceny, land and mineral rights dispute resolution, battery and arson. Please contact your local chapter for service availability and current rates.**
Thirdly, if anybody has seen my ottoman, please contact me immediately. The wisecrackers responsible are advised to return it along with the half-dozen bars of Zest. We know these two pranks were related as the same brand of peanut butter was recovered from bathroom tile and the matching Broyhill recliner. Thank you for your understanding.
Oh, did I mention nobody eats until these items are returned in tact? It'd be a shame to miss "solid food" night... that's all I'm saying.
Thank you for your cooperation,