Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Sun, Funk and Brocade Chipmunks

If you're looking to compete on the biggest stage in the world for thrills, recognition and $1200 in unpaid parking tickets then the 4th Annual Amateur Live Adult Gopher and Ground Squirrel Refinishing and Upholstering Summer Nationals are for your neighbors and polite acquaintances. (Be a sport and pass this on, will ya?)

For only a $23 entry fee (tax, title, license, bowling shoes, Thompson Seedless Grapes, portrait of U Thant, hiccups and cleats extra), you just might find yourself competing in balmy downtown Brawley, CA (Go "Frisky Weevils!") next June with a shot at a portion of the guaranteed [undisclosed amount] in cash and prizes awarded each year (excluding 2003-2006) as well as a chance to take hold of the glorious Marshall Brodein Victory Chalice (he doesn't give it up easily, but you'll get a crack at prying it out of his feisty grip... a warning: wear a cup).

To be eligible, you must be a current certified card-holding voting member of the International Pipe Fitters and Food Canners Union, the American Brotherhood of Liberated Ex-Holistic Flag Folders AND the Federation of Junk Bond and African Tribal Mask Traders Collective as well as possessing a valid Idaho State issued class B double/triple endorsed driver's license. Once the prospective participant has completed the bonding process and 3-week live round ammunition training, a local qualifier will determine who is sent to the Philippines for a 2-year unpaid internship at the Little Debbie quality control and packaging facility. There is no limit to the number of qualifying attempts but Little Debbie retains right to exercise a seven year option on any successful participant.

Survivors of the Little Debbie internship advance to the finals in Brawley where they will compete in front of [undisclosed number] screaming fans at the area's premiere outdoor arena during Brawley's Summer Noon Concert and Rodent Renovation Series. Combatants will receive gas, food and lodging (or equivalent combination thereof) as well as a daily stipend in the form of scrip redeemable at any nail salon or shoe repair shop in the greater Imperial Valley.

Don't miss your opportunity to experience this exhilarating once in a lifetime annual event!

[ed. note-- Don't worry, you won't miss it. We knew it'd be right up your alley so we submitted your name and Soc. Sec. # and forged all the necessary documents. Good luck and don't bother showing your face around here again if you lose because we'll be so disappointed in you that it'd kill your father to be in the presence of such a good-for-nothing no-talent. Just on a hunch, we're renting out your room. He's a visiting dignitary who works for Little Debbie in some Asia-Pacific country. Nice knowing ya. Don't forget to wear your headgear and clean underwear.]

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