Rubber Bomb Decoder Ring

Ladies and Germaphobes,

The Rubber Bomb (patent lapsed) is an organization that prides itself on security and strict quality controls (consequently, you'd think we could get a decent bear claw around here!) in producing it's literary content (read: blithering babble). As a result, all of our published entries are encoding with advanced algorithms to confound and thwart our sworn enemies (read: loyal patrons). To keep the information flowing freely to our boon companions (read: arch rivals) we ask you to adhere to following guidelines in order to properly decode (read: try like hell to understand) the light banter and whimsical tales contained herein.

KEY: [word/phrase written] = [word/phrase to be used]

Perrier = Night Train
clay oven = acetylene torch
a clearing in the forest = alley filled with broken glass
years spent abroad = a weekend at the track
Henri Matisse = Bruce Jenner
a natty cap = 3 unmatched sweat socks and a cheese shredder
the azure sea = a rusted nail
beyond reproach = taking a leak in the front yard
a remarkable coincidence = who's the leprechaun and does HE have the key to the humidor?
wire whisk = rear spoiler from a mid 60's Impala
Highway Patrol = Dan Haggarty on a bender
the ocean floor = 2-for-1 night at the Boobs 'n' Wings
a vital contribution = face plant in the onion dip